“Failing” Your New Year’s Resolution Might Make for the Best Year Yet
How to live a year true to your values and intentions to get closer to your goals.
Have you ever prepared for bed thinking to yourself, “Tomorrow things are going to be different! I am going to…” and then proceed to create a to-do or habit list that will only be possible if you suddenly operate at 100% capacity without slowing down, facing obstacles, or eating an as-of-midnight-it’s-forbidden pint of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream? I’ve been there too.
How often have you woken up the next morning, or a few weeks later, and you notice a feeling of guilt over falling short and then you google, “How many days until the next New Year?” I’ve most certainly been there, and if you have too, you are not alone! Studies show that only a fraction of individuals achieve their New Year’s resolution, with around 80% of them ending by the first week of February (Stahl, 2021). Why do we set ourselves up for disappointment year after year? In this post, I hope to offer something different. A sustainable, strengths-based, and more sure to succeed take on starting the year out right.
I know what you might be thinking, “But, I’ve already set my resolution and I think this is the year I ace it!” Or, you may say, “I gave up on the ‘New Year New Me’ hope a long time ago.” My goal is not to trick you out of your resolution to wake up at 4:30am each morning, exercise 3 times a day, and decide not to even look at anything with sugar in it (sorry Phish Food). My hope is that you make this year everything you want it to be by using your values, strengths, and aspirations, without guilt or a frantic search for the next, “ideal reset day/quarter/hour”.
Why Most Resolutions Fail
One of the greatest reasons that resolutions fail is that they often restrict us to either maintaining behavior that is difficult to keep up with or removing a comfort that we relied on. These are considered avoidance-oriented goals as they either restrict use or access to something or they enact a behavior that goes away from the previous behavior. On the opposite end of the spectrum are approach-oriented goals. These goals intend to move closer to something that you are working towards or to build upon a skill/strength that you possess. It has been found that approach-oriented goals yield better results than avoidance-oriented goals (Oscarsson et al., 2020). I share with clients regularly that it is far more approachable and effective to build upon a strength than to “correct” a deficit.
Think of some subtle ways to reframe a goal that you might have and shift it from avoidance-oriented to approach-oriented. For instance, if your goal is to restrict sugar from your diet completely, the odds of declining every office donut may be slim. If you change to a growth mindset, you might set the goal to learn one more sugar-free alternative a week that you enjoy. Both goals lead to the same outcome but one puts you on a ramp towards where you want to be and the other puts a big obstacle in your way that you have to fight against.
So should you stop setting goals all together? I don’t think that is the answer, but they could certainly use some mindful tweaking.
Set Goals in a Better Way
It might seem like we are walking in a different direction after the title encouraged you to fail your resolution, and now I am telling you it could help to set a goal… hang in there with me!
Although some goals can be a force towards resistance, relapse, and feeling defeated, setting definable goals with a reasonable challenge can increase your performance (Locke et al., 1981). So how do you know what goals set you up for failure and which can lead to success? The answer, set goals that support increasing what brings you joy in life and decreasing time spent on things that remove joy. What do you value and how can this goal help you get closer to that value? Instead of looking at what is keeping you from this goal, think: what resources do I have that will help me meet this challenge and/or what strengths of mine will be useful?
Another helpful shift is to make your goal align with your identity and embolden your sense of self. When you say, “I am trying to quit _” you may unintentionally be saying “I am a person who does _, and I hope to stop but I may or may not.” Some of the most successful clients I have worked with that went into sustained remission from substance abuse did so by saying, “I do not _.” Making an intentional shift to reflect how your decision aligns with your identity is key and serves as a reminder that you are doing what you set out to do.
One of the barriers with setting goals is that there can still be a pass/fail element. Did I reach this goal? Did I have times where I slipped back into an old pattern that I’m not proud of? Let’s take a look at an alternative to the New Year’s resolution by focusing on intentions.
Live a Year True to Your Intention
Instead of living your life trying to meet lofty resolutions, what if we try to live true to our intentions? Instead of thinking of a way to “fix” yourself, think of some ways that you can bring more of your gifts into your day-to-day life. Again, it is easier to build on a strength than correct a deficit.
If you set out to do something, try and do what captures your passion and makes you come alive. It has been found that regardless of the goal, task, or challenge, that the resolve and readiness in an individual is a necessary ingredient in creating change (Norcross et al., 2002). Instead of asking, “How can I be better/do more/be greater?” try asking, “How can I be more of who I am and share it with the world?”
Here might be some former resolutions that can be worked into meaningful intentions to help you brainstorm some ideas for your new year: (Keep in mind that these resolutions are not “bad” or “wrong”, but we are trying to get into a different mindset that encourages continual growth instead of pass/fail benchmarks.)
Fitness:
Resolution: I am going to reach my goal weight of _lbs.
Intention: I am deserving of care and want to do things that make me feel well.
Practice: I missed my alarm this morning and didn’t have time to go to the gym. What might help me get back into a positive state of mind? Maybe I will do some stretches at my desk and re-center myself. Sure I missed today, but here is a step I could take to help me go tomorrow. I accomplished x, y, and z today and neither that nor my true worth is reflected on a scale.
Finances:
Resolution: I am going to stop eating out to save money.
Intention: I would like to manage my resources and use my creativity to find balance.
Practice: I have always been good at learning new things. Cash has been tight recently, but I bet I could learn some ways to think outside of the box. I have been wanting to cook more. Maybe instead of going out, I will try to recreate a favorite recipe at home.
Stopping a Habit:
Resolution: I am going to have one more _ and then I will be done for good.
Intention: I don’t like how much _ is taking control from my life. I want to live a life where I can use that time/money/energy for something fulfilling.
Practice: When you have the urge to do something you might kick yourself after doing, remind yourself of the intention to regain control in your life. Think of what you are able to do to get that control back such as putting off the habit another _ minutes.
So What Do I Plan to Do About It?
After all of this, am I going to be a hypocrite? Am I going to chase my life long dream of looking like Lou Ferrigno (true story)? Am I going to get up at 4:30am every morning, pump iron for hours each day, and swear off of my beloved Phish Food ice cream?
No. This year I am choosing to “fail” at my original resolution and have decided to spend the first of the year being intentional about how I live my life and what actions I decide to take next, whatever that may be. I am choosing not to trap myself into a daily pass/fail that with the unpredictability of life is not stacked in my favor. I plan to take each moment as it comes, and ask myself some of the following questions.
What can I do today to get closer to the vision I hold for my life?
Maybe the answer is to get up bright and early so I can go for a walk.
Maybe the answer is to sleep-in and restore.
What choice could I make in this moment to live a more (insert intention) life?
Maybe I should take the next 15 minutes to write or do some research.
Maybe I should take time to call a friend I haven’t heard from recently.
How can I live a more intentional life?
Maybe I should try and get caught up on the never-ending to-do list.
Maybe… Just Maybe… I should sit down and enjoy some Phish Food.
What Can You Do Next?
Do you want to make this year different and find ways to live a year true to your intention? Consider “failing” this year’s resolution and thinking about some intentional ways to live your life to the fullest. Take some time to sit down and reflect on your values, hopes, and joys. Maybe this is the first time you have truly asked yourself what you enjoy or are passionate about. Picture the 3 year old who couldn’t tell you quickly enough that the stegosaurus is their favorite dinosaur (another true story). What makes you come alive? Talk with someone who you can share your intentions, hopes, and help you make the path more clear. Maybe that is your partner, family, a trusted friend, or a therapist like me. Whatever step you take next, go along for the journey and see how you might show up to learn and grow. I truly hope that this year turns out to be your best so far!
Happy New Year! I wish you the best in all your endeavors.
Take care, be well, and Companion Your Journey!
Resources:Stahl, A. (2021, December 10). This new year's set goals, not resolutions. Forbes. Retrieved December 31, 2022, from https://www.forbes.com/sites/ashleystahl/2021/12/09/this-new-years-set-goals-not-resolutions/?sh=16349d291ece
Locke, E. A., Shaw, K. N., Saari, L. M., & Latham, G. P. (1981). Goal setting and task performance: 1969–1980. Psychological Bulletin, 90(1), 125–152. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.90.1.125
Norcross, J.C., Mrykalo, M.S. and Blagys, M.D. (2002). Auld lang Syne: Success predictors, change processes, and self-reported outcomes of New Year's resolvers and nonresolvers. J. Clin. Psychol., 58: 397-405. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.1151
Oscarsson M, Carlbring P, Andersson G, Rozental A (2020). A large-scale experiment on New Year’s resolutions: Approach-oriented goals are more successful than avoidance-oriented goals. PLOS ONE 15(12): e0234097. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0234097
