Surprise! This Therapist Used to Suck at Self-Care - Here’s How Not To!

Rethinking Self-Care

Who hasn’t heard of self-care? Follow-up question, who hasn’t heard of self-care and grumbled at least a little bit?

When we think of self-care there are often a few accompanying thoughts such as: “I don’t have time for it.”, “Sure, I get taking care of others but me? I’m fine. I’ll be alright.” or, “What is self-care anyways? I don’t need a bath. I need an assistant, 13 items checked off of my to-do list, and a million dollars.”

I’ve been there. I have always struggled to hold worth in myself, it is something that I am still working through in my life at the time of this writing. I would go to untold lengths to lift up another, but until I changed my mindset, I always smiled and nodded at the encouragement from professors, peers, and friends who said, “You really need to be taking better care of yourself, Bryce. Are you making enough time for self—care?” All of these encouragements were well-meaning and I did feel the support and intention behind them. Particularly in helping professions, clinicians experience high rates of burnout if not careful to practice ongoing self-care and evaluation of well-being (Barnett et al., 2007). Even so, I always thought to myself that my energy was better spent elsewhere, more specifically, outside of myself. I’ve gotten better with this, but it is an ongoing practice and I know that with ongoing practice, you can grow in this ability as well.

Here are some examples that might help. Self-care tips are everywhere right now so I’m not here to dole out the same tropes and wag a finger. I’d like to offer some out-of the box self-care practices that might give you a new idea.

What is the point of self-care?

Since we all have heard some rendition of the, “You can’t fill someone’s cup from an empty well.” I won’t go into the same self-care lecture. What I do want to offer is a different mindset on self-care that might make it more approachable or shine a new light. Simply put, life is meant to be enjoyed. We have one lifetime and an indeterminable number of days in which we can seize a moment with a loved one, try something new to broaden our experience, or simply sit in the moment and enjoy the miracle that is existence. We often keep our head down and drive on through life. It is commonplace to share that we are incredibly busy but much less often to share with pride what we have done that felt fulfilling. In my practice, I work with clients on finding a way, despite their circumstances or story so far, to feel this fulfillment and find as much joy as they can in their experience.

With this idea in mind, what if we were to think of self-care not as something extra, something optional, or something selfish, but rather as something that allows us to experience life more deeply? There will always be more to-do and responsibilities to attend to, but how might we view self-care/fulfillment as an equal bucket that we give the same dedication to as we would a checklist? What if we honored our commitments to ourselves with the same integrity that we honor commitments to others? I have heard of balanced buckets before, but I’ve got an image that I like better if you’ll keep an open mind.

Imagine that you’re a bird. (Stick with me here) Imagine that you’re a bird and you’ve got a nest full of baby birds that you need to feed. (I swear I’m going somewhere with this, hang in there and keep being the beautiful bird that you are.) In your nest you’ve got your babies and each one is named after an area that you must attend to. Meet your kids: Chores, Finances, Work, Relationships, and Robert. You’re an excellent bird parent and you love all of your children. You go out regularly to catch food, bring it back to your nest, and feed your chicks. They are grateful and you continue with diligence, but it is tiresome work. Nevertheless, you push on. The same routine continues on. The chicks wait, you return, wait, return, wait, wait, wait… no return. You worked so hard bringing food to your chicks that you never stopped to rest or feed yourself and your chicks, inevitably, lost you.

This might sound like the start of a compelling Disney movie, but in this case it is a metaphor for neglect of self. If you are only ever investing in things around you, not only do you lose yourself, the things around you lose you as well. If you notice that you have been go-go-go and haven’t invited in yourself and your relationships recently, try and find some time to set up a get together with someone you care about. It has been found that social interaction is the self-care practices most highly associated with overall well-being (Hansson, HilleråS, & Forsell, 2005).

Alright Bryce, you made sad about an imaginary bird, I get the point! I have to nurture myself. Now what? Well, let’s get creative. Here are three ideas for thinking outside of the box for self-care. Sometimes self-care is a bath, meditation, or a mindful comfort meal, but it can be doing things that bring you a sense of joy in life. Here are 3 ideas to explore.

Feed your Creative Spirit

One of the greatest ways to step into who we are is to create. Creation can take on many forms and I encourage you to find what resonates with you. For some this could be a very literal form of art such as painting, but it could be in cooking or learning a new skill. Not a painter, chef, or unsure what you’d like to learn? If you find yourself thinking, maybe art could be something for me, there are countless paint tutorials on the internet that will give you steps for the supplies you need, a video of someone guiding you through the painting, and if you can find one, I recommend looking for a Bob Ross trained painter (yes, these do exist, and yes, I gave it a shot). If you are interested in having a comfort food, have you tried finding a recipe of your own to give a go? It could be your new favorite! If you think you might like to learn something, but are not sure where to start, ask yourself, “What do I enjoy? What makes me come alive? How do I want to feel?”

How do I use creation for self care? I perform. I have been fortunate to find this passion and I am grateful that it is a part of my life still. Not only do I get the chance to meet some incredible people and build a community, I get the chance to disappear into the performance and energy of the crowd. You might be wondering, “But what happens if a client sees one of your performances?” and believe it or not it has happened once. A few sessions in the client shared that they just couldn’t shake the feeling they had seen me before somewhere and one evening it hit them. They went through some boxes and found a playbill for a show I was in. It’s a small world!

Find a Life-Hack

Is there something that you think, “There must be a better way!” Is there something that could make things even a little bit easier to do or bring you a good return? One example I was given was a person who is an avid tea drinker that got tired of regularly going through the process to make a new cup of tea each time they wanted one. They found a tea kettle with a built in infuser that would make a full pot of their favorite tea and keep it warm so they could just stop back over and refill. These might seem like small conveniences, and maybe they are, but if it is something that makes you a little happier each time you use it, I would call that a sound investment. One that I am particularly fond of is my sunrise alarm clock. I was having a difficult time getting up and going in the morning, so I did some research and found an alarm clock that would mimic a sunrise so that you wake up more gradually and peacefully than with an alarm. I highly recommend them.

Maybe the “life-hack” isn’t a gadget at all. Maybe it is creating a new process or a way of doing things that gives you back more time, comfort, or ease so you can use your resources in a better way. If you were to explain a process that you do habitually without much thought, how might you explain it to someone? What questions might they have? How might they adapt or tweak the process? Time is a resource that we can not make more of no matter how hard we try, treat it preciously. For instance, if you notice getting frustrated in the mornings, is there anything you might be able to do to prepare for it the night before?

Curious what my “life-hack” gadget might be? If I were to be purely professional, I would share that audiobooks while commuting are one of my favorite self care “life-hacks”. It is true and I appreciate the ability to learn, reflect, and to feel like I am making the most of my time. Personally I have a different answer. Most who know me outside of being a clinician know that I have a propensity to say things that I think are funny that perhaps I could have kept to myself (most of the time it actually is funny… I think… Sometimes, self-care can be a proper pep talk). Self-disclosure is a topic that therapists take stances on across the board. Some say not to share at all, most clinicians, myself included, believe in a healthy amount of self-disclosure, so long as it benefits the client, and some bare all. I may be the first therapist in history to disclose this particular topic, but I would be remised not to say that one of the gadgets that changed my life was none other than the bidet. I may be a therapist, but in the immortal words of Taro Gomi, “Everyone Poops”. No more to say on that topic. Moving along, nothing to see here.

Do for Others

Although self-care is most often thought of as doing something exclusively for yourself, one of the joys of being human is that it feels good to do good for others. Some may be stepping on the breaks and saying, “Well, is it really a good deed if I gain from it?” Anik et al., debated both sides of this theory, examining the ongoing loop that individuals who give more are happier and that people who are happier give more. They also explore the idea of how this knowledge might impact our intrinsic motivation to give (2009).

As long as you are doing for others in an intentional way, and not in a say yes to everything asked of you until you are exhausted way, but doing something that allows you to offer yourself in a meaningful way. This could be getting together items to donate at a local shelter, making lunches or food boxes to distribute to those in need, or volunteering for a cause that you align with. Pressed for time but still want to make someone’s day? Maybe you have heard of people starting pay-it-forward lines at a drive thru coffee shop. A few dollars can brighten someone’s day and allow them to let the effect ripple forward to others.

What is my self care by intentionally doing for others? I am deeply fortunate that what I do for a living is one of the areas that I get the most fulfillment. I have been deeply impacted and grown with each therapeutic relationship I have been fortunate to be a part of. I can only hope that in some way I am able to make an impact in some way as my clients have impacted me.

Conclusion

Take some time to reflect on what ideas you might like to trial and build into a regular practice. I am confident that through your efforts, you will continue to get closer to that feeling of seizing the moment, experiencing joy, and being fulfilled in life. Self-care can be whatever you need it to be. You are worthy and deserving of care. After all, you are one heck of a bird!

What are your self-care practices? Do you have any currently working for you or are there any that you would like to start using? If you have something that works well for you and you are willing to share, it could help spark some ideas for others. Take a moment to comment below and I hope you find some practices that help you restore!

Take care, be well, and Companion Your Journey!

Resources:

1. Barnett, J. E., Baker, E. K., Elman, N. S., & Schoener, G. R. (2007). In pursuit of wellness: The self-care imperative. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 38(6), 603–612. https://doi.org/10.1037/0735-7028.38.6.603

2. Hansson, A., HilleråS, P. & Forsell, Y. (2005). What Kind of Self-Care Strategies Do People Report Using and is There an Association with Well-Being?. Soc Indic Res 73, 133–139. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11205-004-0995-3

3. Anik, L., Aknin, L. B., Norton, M. I., & Dunn, E. W. (2009). Feeling good about giving: The benefits (and costs) of self-interested charitable behavior. SSRN Electronic Journal. https://doi.org/10.2139/ssrn.1444831